Dec

8

Coupland d’état | Part Two

Filed Under Life Slice 

Mike + Doug Starn snowflake

Sometimes we’re at a wedding, invited guests of a friend. I examine my own awkwardness while scrutinizing his indifference after a faceless stranger has made our short introduction. Other times we’re at a funeral. I catch myself looking over to the pew where he sits; ashamed at myself for being more curious than compassionate for the dead.

Never had I imagined meeting him again at Christmas, where the past was buried under the table; cloaked with the niceties two people could muster around a family dinner.

Back at the hotel room where Gord and I were staying, I deflated. The evening had me feeling empty; stupid. A combination of exhaustion and nervousness caffeine is capable of achieving. What had I been thinking?

Douglas Coupland had been delaying, not deliberating. Generated ex had been more alive in my mind, than in real life. The relationship with myself had been tantamount to the one I always thought was about Jonathan.

I had been delaying deliberating, and unlike Douglas Coupland, I didn’t have rainy weather as an excuse.

It was dishonest for such a simple insight to reveal itself in this way. At least, however, it hadn’t taken shape in my usual comfort: head buried in pillow, tears soaking the cotton wet, and a silent wail I wish was heard by no one, and everyone.

Instead, the flood of emotions came to me, at the edge of the bed, sitting next to Gord, grinning like he was so pleased to witness in me the realization of what he had known all along.

“I feel like I acted like an adult. Even if it was just for an evening,” I turned to him.

“You didn’t think you would?”

“Not this easily.”

“It was easy?”

“Gord!” I pushed him away by his shoulder.

He flopped over to one side and laughed. I couldn’t help it. A smile broke across my face.

Gord regained himself, sat back next to me on the bed, smoothed his lap with his hands and spoke to the ground before searching my face.

“I knew you could do it. I knew this didn’t have to be a thing for you.”

“You did,” I quietly whispered, avoiding eye contact.

“Which is great!” I turned to him roused from thought by his sudden excitement, “Because you have to do it all over again tomorrow. We’ve been invited to Jonathan’s for New Year’s and I told him we would go.”

“You said what?”

“Relax! You didn’t think you could get away by just seeing him one time, did you?”

“Actually I–”

“Perfect. It’s settled then. Tomorrow it is,” Gord ducked to the bathroom, closing one door while opening another.

IMAGE | Mike + Doug Starn | Sno8_245 | 2006–2007 | 40″x40″ | Archival inkjet print Diasec mounted to Plexi glass

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